Hollywood’s Asteroid

They say nothing teaches a viewer so much as a bad film, can you guess which it was? This was our double feature last night.

One took place in an empty theatre. My son and I the only attendees. It was so terrible, about 40 minutes before the climax we decided to leave. (It was my idea. It was painful. There wasn’t even a loose plot to hang my hat on, let alone a decent character to give a damn about.)

Now you’d think this wouldn’t be the case. I’m a lifetime Wes Andersen fan, and don’t get me wrong. We all deserve the ability to deliver a solid creative turd sometimes, but it was remarkably cryptic, and lacked any sort of fiber to hold it together. Sadly Wes has gotten to the the point where no one will call his B.S. and that’s how a picture like Asteroid City gets made. (How an A-list director tanks it with a cast of this magnitude is something worthy of study.) To heal my bitter, underfunded, creative wounds, we followed it up in the home with what I once thought real Hollywood trash, of the highest order. I mean its Mannequin good, right? Wrong.

Much like the Bush dynasty, “Earth Girls Are Easy” looks different from this perspective. Almost wholesome. It has a clear plot, one almost arc-like, that resolves in a somewhat satisfying way. It even has some characters that manage to have (dare I say it) depth in comparison to any of the less-than zero dimensional characters of Asteroid City. Despite their pedigree, none manage to surpass that of an underplayed prop dressed to kill. In fact, its so contrived they are negative-dimensional characters. Somehow they manage to become pictures of flat characters played by lifeless Barbie Dolls once called “actors”, and that alone could destroy a picture. I mean, if there was one. One might hope that at some point it existed. One can only wonder if it’s on a ‘cutting room floor’ somewhere, and by that I mean unedited on a thumb-drive.

Sure, we’ve all gone a little mad, but #Hollywood #storytelling has fallen into the realm of pure insanity. Even cliché drivel beats it. My former idols too. The only thing that will save us it seems is real #cinema. Something even “Earth Girls Are Easy” wasn’t far from from this vantage point. (However in another derivative Jeff Goldblum b-metaverse.) Look out for its comeback, coming soon to a camera or teenager near you. #asteroidcity

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